The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
