i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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