I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
