You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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