i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
