WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
