Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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