they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
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