You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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