Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
i've created a new STD.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
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