My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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