I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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