As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize