That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
