sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
