he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
