I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
