She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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