nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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