I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
