weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
