How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Dignity is for republicans.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
