soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
