I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
