I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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