shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
