Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
