You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
