Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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