mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize