Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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