Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
