I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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