i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
