so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
