It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
