You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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