Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Randomize
