Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Randomize
