As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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