did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
