every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
