I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
