i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
