I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
