Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
so much tequila, so little girl.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
