I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
