Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
