apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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