Nicole vs. Life
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
