The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
