ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
