So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize