My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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