i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
