Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Let's paint friendship bongs
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Randomize
