I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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