Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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