watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
