Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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