mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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