Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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