GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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