Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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