I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Randomize
